Deja Vu

After reading Twilight and the other book in the series, I decide to make my own creature of the night/day and a smart brave girl named Noah and Charlotte "Carly". I really pissed that the story was so predictable and that Bella Swan became a vampire.
And here is the first part of what I have. And Makris, tell me what you think and what I might need to work on. And I am try REALLY hard to make this not like Twilight. And Tony, I hope you enjoy this, I'm posting this for you to read. So enjoy. :) And I probably change it after this.

Sample:


I don't know how long we were in Victoria de Violas' Porsche for, but Victoria was wincing from the mental images.
The love of my life, Noah de Violas was staring intentally at his younger sister. My only thought was; What was she seeing?

Her eyes opened and focused on myself and Noah. "There is trouble coming to Samaria." She whispered.
David Trelly, Victoria's longtime boyfriend, and I do mean longtime boyfriend, looked at Noah then to Victoria.

"Well, Victoria what did you see? What were you told?"

Victoria looked very scared, her fair pale skin had worrylines and her amber eyes were wide in fear.

"The Dianus are coming to break the truce." She said worryingly.

Up until this point Noah and his family lived typically normal life amongst people without worry and fear.
I've known the de Violas' for about three years and they always appeared normal, despite the fact they were anything but.
They were in their hundreds and most appeared to be around my age.
And I was turning sixteen in two weeks.

I never knew much about Noah's current state of immortality, all I knew is that the belief he followed was called Siari, making him an Siarian, and that the de Violas clan were a direct decendents from Athalia, an Egyptian woman who was given an elixir of life by her father, a High Regal Priest.
But she drank it years later.

Some time in 11th Century Athalia started calling herself Marie, she met a French noble named Gisèle de Violas and her son Henri de Violas. The two formed an friendship and sometime afterwards when Henri married an English girl named, Cecilia, and they could not produce a child after a year of trying, Athalia gave her womb to bore their children, which was kept secret from everyone.
She bore them three children in six years. The youngest, Pierre de Violas, directly Noah's bloodline.

Many centuries later in 1772 in England the de Violas name lost its glamous title when a poor English widow named Isabelle de Violas gave birth to a girl, Isadora and died shortly afterwards.
By twelve years old to feed, clothe and house herself, young orphan Isadora de Violas was a child prostitute and was soon pregnant with her first child.

At thriteen she gave birth to Catherine on Feburary 26, 1786. This made her sitution worse, now the thriteen year old had to fend for herself and her newborn daughter and quickly found herself pregnant again at fourteen.

By the time Noah was born on May 03, 1788 Isadora was trying to find a husband.
But no man wanted a prostitute as a wife, and Isadora had to feed her children somehow.
Eventually, Isadora de Violas bore a third child, another girl she named Victoria in 1790.

In 1806 Isadora was hanged at 33 year old on May 30th. Hearing of the death, Athalia came to England posing as their grandmother, took the orphaned de Violas's, which included Catherine's husband William and Victoria's fiancé, David Trelly.

According to Noah, she gave them the elixir, when she took them to America and gave them too a couple named Emma and Francis.
Noah never told me how they came to learn about their "State" as he put it.
But as for as long as I've known the de Violas they never told me about any sorta threat to them.
"What's going to happen?" I blurted out.

Three worried faces looked at me, but said nothing. I didn't know them to be afraid, of anything. To me they had no absolutely no fears. Noah's marble face was like stone, he was lost in deep thought.
Finally after awhile of the three of them being slient, Victoria piped up "I think we should take you home, Carly."

"No." Noah said, coming out of his trance. "I think it is best she stay with us." Victoria rolled her brown eyes and asked him "Do you want her to be in direct danger? They might not even know of her. And thats bonus." Noah nodded his head in defeat.
From then on we drove in slience, well I knew that David, Victoria and Noah were speaking to each other telepathicly, I sat in slience.

When we pulled up on to my street, I checked my watch to see the time, and make sure I made my eleven o'clock curfew. I did, by ten minutes to spare.
We pulled up into my driveway, I said my goodbyes to Victoria and David, and Noah walked me to my front door.

"Are you going to be ok?" I asked, as we walked up.
He looked at me for a moment, for a split second I expected him to spew out his worry.
But like always he was composed. "Charlotte, if my sister is correct about this..."His voice trailed.
We were now standing halfway between the Porsche and my frontdoor, when he stopped walking.
Stopping, I asked him "What?" He shook his head and smiled "It's nothing-" My jaw dropped.

The hell it was nothing. I wanted to know. Not budging from my spot, I stared at him. He let out a sigh, placed his arms around my neck, looking me in the eyes and spoke gentelly "I'll have to protect my family. And you."
I blushed.
"Come on, your Dad's going to be upset if your late on curfew." He kissed me lightly on the lips, then pulled me down the driveway to my front door.

"Please stay." I begged. I hated it when we were seperated. I knew he did too. He shook his head "I have to talk to my family about the Dianusians. They are a threat to all humans if they break the truce.".
I shook my head and asked "What are the Dianusians?" I looked into his blue eyes for some sort of quiet answer. I found nothing there.

"Why have you never mentioned them before?" I carried on in a demanding tone. He looked away from me to the Porsche, then back at me. "It's to long of a story."
Before I could say anything else, he cupped my chin and leaned in for a deep kiss.

After a moment, he slightly pulled from our embrace, leaning forward and whispered into my ear "Goodnight and sweet dreams, Charlotte." He kissed the side of my head, then turned and walked back to the Porsche, where Victoria and David were waiting.

I stood there watching them pull out of my drive way. I turned and headed inside. My older sister Chantal, came down the stairs, nearly knocking me over. She let out a mummbled "Sorry." and carried on into the kitchen.

Mom, who disapproved of my relationship with Noah, came out of the living room, her arms folded in front of her. "How was your night?" she asked. I told her we when to Notez to listen to some live music, then to the Soda Palace for pizza.

For some reason my Mother was convinced that Noah and I were sleeping together or doing something wrong. She like the rest of his family. But she was cold to him. And personally, it hurt.